Mothering with Mother Hunger

Having a child takes us from maiden to mother.

It is a profoundly transformational period of life for any woman, but for those with unmet attachment needs, Mother Hunger can be awakened in new and challenging ways. Perhaps it brings Mother Hunger into your awareness for the very first time. 

What is Mother Hunger, you might wonder. Mother Hunger is a deep relational wound where a woman did not get her needs adequately met in childhood. It is a term coined by Kelly McDaniel. She describes the three essential elements of mothering as nurture, protection, and guidance. When we don’t get all three of these crucial needs adequately met, we have Mother Hunger. For some of us, this wound exists because we live in a culture that doesn’t support mothers and the things that mothers need to mother well. For others, our mothers may not have gotten their needs adequately met as children, so this intergenerational wound got passed onto us. And in the most severe cases, mothers were intentionally harmful or abusive, creating what Kelly McDaniel calls 3rd Degree Mother Hunger. 

When we become mothers, we need mothering. Unfortunately those with Mother Hunger often have inadequate support or intrusive support from our mothers. Perhaps you are wanting to protect your children from your mother, so you keep a distance from her. Or maybe your mother is more than willing to help, but she is intrusive, tries to take over, or gives unsolicited advice. Either way, you are left feeling alone and unsupported, all while craving the help and guidance you need. 

You hope for new motherhood to be filled with joy and connection, but sometimes it’s fraught with triggers, frustration, anxiety, and maybe even depression. I’m a strong believer in mothers needing support postpartum and all throughout motherhood. When we don’t have support, we struggle. 

On top of not being supported, many mothers with Mother Hunger are also having their childhood memories reactivated with their own children. This could look like, feeling “touched out,” being overwhelmed by the cries of your baby, or not knowing how to remain calm when your child is “acting out” in public. We may feel activated by how other mothers, mother, especially when it reminds us of our own childhoods. Or maybe we expect too much from our little ones because too much was expected of us. Often these things get activated unconsciously. We may feel confused or frustrated by our strong reactions. 

Many of us desperately want to have a different kind of relationship with our children. We want to break cycles of trauma and attachment wounding and create new ones. Yet we’re often unsure of where to start and what mothering well looks like. 

I know very well this feeling and I also know what it looks like to find my way as a mother. What I have learned to rely on is attachment research, ancestral wisdom, and my own innate wisdom. I’ve learned to be a mother to myself and how to seek out the guidance of wise women who have been there and are willing to share their wisdom. 

If you are a mother struggling with Mother Hunger, please know you’re not alone. I offer 1:1 Mother Hunger coaching sessions, Mother Hunger Groups, and will soon be coming out with a Mothering with Mother Hunger Course.