Mother Hunger® is a term coined by therapist and author, Kelly McDaniel. She came up with this term after working with many women who have difficulties in relationship with themselves, food, and others. Many of the women who struggle with Mother Hunger deal with negative self talk, chronic shame, disordered eating, and addictive relationships. What Kelly found is that these women typically grew up with a difficult and confusing relationship with their mothers.

Mother Hunger describes the developmental wound of growing up with a mother who does not adequately meet your needs as a daughter. Kelly found that there are three key elements to mothering: nurturance, protection, and guidance. When we miss one or all of these needs as daughter we end up feeling insecure in relationships and unsure about ourselves.

As an adult, Mother Hunger can feel like a craving for romantic love, but in reality, it is a craving for the love you didn’t receive as a young child. 

If you have experienced Mother Hunger, you did not receive the nurturance, protection, and/or guidance you needed growing up. 

Mother Hunger can start in infancy and may have carried on throughout your childhood years. You may still experience difficulties in your current relationship with your mom where you long for her to apologize (“apology ache”) or you struggle with “pathological hope” where you endlessly hope your mom will change despite evidence that she is not likely to do so. 

Kelly McDaniel shares about how adult daughters with Mother Hunger deal with “frozen grief” and shame. Once we have a name for our pain, Mother Hunger, we can begin to unfreeze the grief that’s been stored for years and begin to heal.

Mother Hunger can take a variety of forms and have various origins.

You may struggle with Mother Hunger if:

• You feel unworthy and/or unlovable

• You struggle with female relationships

• You struggle with romantic relationships and find yourself in repeated cycles with different partners

• You restrict food

• You self-soothe with food

• You feel empty and painfully alone

• You use sex in a compulsive way

• You feel addicted to toxic partners

• You struggle to settle at night and sleep peacefully

• You have a negative inner voice that says hurtful things

• You struggle with various addictions to soothe the pain you feel inside

• You have a strained, confusing, and/or toxic relationship with your mom

• You have confusing, conflicting feelings towards your mom

Mother Hunger can be the result of:

• Not having a nurturing mother

• Not having a protective mother

• Not having a mother who provided you with wise guidance as you reached middle school age and on

• Your mother abandoning you at any age

• Your mother dying at any point in your childhood or adolescence

• Adoption (even if you had a wonderful, loving adoptive family)

• You had a mother who was abusive (this results in “3rd Degree Mother Hunger)

• Having a mother who repeatedly picked their partner(s) over you

• Having a mom who was not accepting and supportive of your identity

If any of the above resonates with you, we have a variety of services that can support your healing:

• 1-on-1 coaching for Mother Hunger

• 1-on-1 intensives (longer sessions focused on healing attachment wounding from childhood)

• Mother Hunger Psychoeducational Group (using a format designed by Kelly McDaniel)

• Mother Hunger Healing Weekend

The above information comes from Kelly McDaniel’s book, Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance.

Copyright Kelly McDaniel, Mother Hunger and kellymcdanieltherapy.com, All rights reserved.